Guide to the Guide to the Hitchhiker's Guide
by darkshadows86
Summary: The story of Redun Dent and Aston M. Vanquish. Second chapter UP!!! Huge parody and will soon feature Infinity and Mr. Two-heads. More soon!
1. The beginning

Guide to the Guide to the Hitchhiker's guide  
  
Submitted by Darkshadows86  
  
Prologue:  
  
Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.  
  
Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-two million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue green planet whose ape- descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think fission-powered watches are a pretty neat idea.  
  
This planet has - or rather had - a problem, which was this: most of the people on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small metal discs, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small metal discs that were unhappy.  
  
And so the problem remained; lots of the people were mean, and most of them were miserable, even the ones with fission-powered watches.  
  
Many were increasingly of the opinion that they'd all made a big mistake in coming down from the trees in the first place. And some said that even the trees had been a bad move, and that no one should ever have left the oceans. Even more said that the oceans were bad as well, and they should have never evolved from those big piles of goop.  
  
And then, one Tuesday, nearly three thousand years after one man had been nailed to a tree for saying how great it would be to be nice to people for a change, one girl sitting on her own in a small cafe in Dublin suddenly realized what it was that had been going wrong all this time, and she finally knew how the world could be made a good and happy place. This time it was right, it would work, and no one would have to get nailed to anything.  
  
Sadly, however, before she could get to a phone to tell anyone- about it, a terribly stupid catastrophe occurred, and the idea was lost forever.  
  
This is not her story.  
  
But it is the story of that terrible stupid catastrophe and some of its consequences.  
  
It is also the story of a book, a book called The Guide to the Guide to the The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - not an Earth book, never published on Earth, and until the terrible catastrophe occurred, never seen or heard of by any Earthman.  
  
Nevertheless, a wholly remarkable book.  
  
In fact, it was probably the most remarkable book ever to come out of the great publishing houses of Ursa Minor - of which no Earthman had ever heard either.  
  
Not only is it a wholly remarkable book, it is also a highly successful one - more popular than the Celestial Home Care Omnibus: Second Edition, better selling than Fifty Thousand More Things to do in Low Gravity, and more controversial than Oolo Caluid's quartet of philosophical blockbusters: Where God Went Wrong, Some More of God's Greatest Mistakes, The Big Book of God's Little Blunders, and Who is this God Person Anyway?  
  
In many of the more relaxed civilizations on the Outer Eastern Rim of the Galaxy, the Guide to the Guide to the Guide has already supplanted the originally great Hitchhiker's Guide as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom, for though it has many omissions and contains much that is apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate, it scores over the older, more pedestrian work in two important respects.  
  
First, it is much cheaper; and secondly it has the word Panic inscribed in small, alarming letters on its cover.  
  
But the story of this terrible, stupid Tuesday, the story of its extra- extraordinary consequences, and the story of how these consequences are inextricably intertwined with this remarkable book begins very simply.  
  
It begins with a house.  
  
It wasn't a very remarkable house at all. In fact, it really wasn't much of a house at all. Suffice to say: It was a cardboard box.  
  
In said box lived an unremarkable human by the name of Redun Dent. Redun was a very simple man: He'd have to be, to live in a cardboard box.  
  
Redun had only one person he knew through all this. It was the one who gave him food, bread, water, and coffee to brew in the water: Aston M. Vanquish. Aston was not an ordinary human. He was, in truth, an alien from a planet somewhere in the vicinity of Esuegleteb V.  
  
More soon! 


	2. The bar

It is this person Redun happened his eyes upon at this very moment.  
  
"Aagh. My friggin' head. What the hell is going on here?" He burped to a piece of lint. He looked up at Aston. "Oh, hello. What do you want at this time of night?"  
  
"It's 1:00 in the afternoon, but it doesn't matter now, we got to go." Aston muttered.  
  
"Where the frigging heck do you plan to take me, Aston?"  
  
"Far away from here, and it's imperative we get you an, nice, stiff drink."  
  
Redun gurgled. "I've had too many of those already, dude."  
  
"Doesn't matter."  
  
"Yes, it does," said Redun, and he tried to go back to sleep.  
  
"NO IT DOESN'T." Aston said, with every fiber of will pouring into his voice. Now: when Aston poured every fiber of his will into his voice, Redun knew better to argue, because it was probably important, and the less important it was to Redun: The more important it was to Aston.  
  
"Umm.. Duh. Zuh. Ok." Redun agreed. He kicked his box. He kicked it again, because it made him feel good.  
  
  
  
Redun was unconscious. His poor, frail body couldn't take the alcohol. Aston solved the problem by siphoning the stuff into his nose.  
  
Aston was already on his 3rd drink. Redun had taken one sip and had been knocked out.  
  
God, I hope he wakes up soon, Aston thought, we only have 5 minutes.  
  
"Buddy?"  
  
It was the bartender.  
  
"Buddy? Are you going to pay for those drinks?"  
  
Aston slapped a $20 on the counter.  
  
"Keep the change, and get me some of those complementary peanuts. And hurry please, the world's about to end."  
  
"Really? About time, too. You ganna want a stretcher for that guy?"  
  
"When I was in the army," said a drunk on the other side of the bar, "they said we should hide under a table if the world ends. Should we?"  
  
"You can if you like," replied Aston.  
  
"Will it work?"  
  
"No."  
  
The drunk went back to cradling his drink.  
  
Redun woke up to see a beautiful pink spacecraft hover in the town square. Why he was in the town square, he didn't know. Why Aston and a strange drunk were wheeling him closer to the ship on a stretcher was another mystery.  
  
Stay tuned for that 3rd chapter: "WTF is that pink thing?" 


End file.
